I can feel the moodiness, the irritability, and the darkness flow through me. It’s close to that time of the month and while I can tell it’s coming, I am helpless in the wake of it’s power. Today I have cramps as if I’m having my period but there’s no bleeding. That has to be the worst part. To be in so much pain but have no visible sign for it is awful. I spent most of the morning on my side in bed, wrapped under two blankets because my body temperature wouldn’t regulate properly. I really hate Mother Nature for one thing: my period.
My tubes are tied. Actually, to quote my ob/gyn, they’re snipped, tied and burned. Nothing is getting through that. Ever. And so far, seven years and she’s been absolutely right. And I’m grateful for that. Knowing I will not accidentally birth any more children is a daily blessing. I haven’t regretted that decision once.
But what is cruel and unusual is having to still suffer through a monthly period with all the pain and anguish. I can’t have children yet I still bleed like I could. It sucks.
To make matters ten times worse, I’m allergic to chocolate. I tell you, that bitch has a horrible sense of humor. Chocolate, that aphrodisiac of the Gods, the dark cure to all of my ills once a month, and I can’t have it. Oh the universe is a cruel, horrible place for five days out of every month.
Usually that dark cloud that’s hanging over my head right now is visible to all around me – I’m bitchy and snappy and pessimistic and really unpleasant to be around. Each month is a little different ultimately but the results are still the same. My head spins around on my shoulders for a few days and then, works its way back to normal again. Oh how I crave being “normal” again or at least my version of it.
Sadly, for the last few days I’ve had some really horrible, depressing thoughts about my relationship. Things like, “God, it would be so much easier if I were alone.” It feels like all I do is work lately. And I don’t know that either of those things are true.
I miss being able to do whatever I like. I miss not having to navigate the tricky waters of a relationship. I miss not having to be responsible for anyone else. It just seems like it would be so much simpler without anyone else around. It’s probably just temporary but the last few days there has been quite an urge to tell everyone around me to go to hell and send me a postcard letting me know how the weather is. Which is definitely not my normal state of being. Here’s to hoping it reverts to normal again soon before I hurt anyone.