I’m so angry right now. I mean livid, rage-at-the-world, pissed. Why the hell am I the bad guy? Why the hell does my daughter blame me because my ex-husband is a piece of shit who couldn’t do right by me or my child? Doesn’t anyone understand how fucking impossibly hard all of this is? I didn’t want to tear apart my family but I had no other choice. The alternative was just too much to bear. He was hurting her. He was killing me. Not physically but emotionally and mentally he was destroying me. Piece by tiny piece until I was left as nothing but a shell.
But to him, and to my child, I did this. What the fuck? Because I was the only one strong enough to step up and say “No more!” Because I refused to take anymore of the shit?
My seven year old daughter doesn’t understand it. I don’t know how to make her understand that the man who has been her father for the last four years is a manipulative, lying dirtbag piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to lick the dirt under her feet. He doesn’t love her. How could he when he never loved me? She’s a part of me. All he does is hurt her. And yet, when she looks at me with those baby blue eyes and says, “It’s not fair, I miss him,” what the hell do I say to that?
I’m happy in my life. Not perfectly but for the most part, I’m happy especially compared to where I was. I have a man who loves me and accepts my child as his own. Truly accepts and loves her. And yet she wants my ex-husband. And nothing I say or do can change that.
I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of listening to it. For four months I’ve had to watch her cry, listen to her blame me and no matter what I say or do, it’s not enough. So I finally said, “Fuck it,” and called him to arrange a time for him to see her. Which also makes me the bad fucking guy. WHAT THE HELL! I can’t fucking win.
All I know is I’m tired of being in the midst of it all. I’m tired of being the bad guy no matter what I do. I can’t do right so what the fuck is the point?
I hate how hard this is. I hate watching the child I love more than life, hurt. I just want that to go away. I just want my life back. I really fucking hate him for lying to me. He promised to love me, to be there for me and then refused to do as he promised. He married me and decided that meant he owned me, and could do whatever the hell he wanted.
Yet I’m the one suffering while he goes on about his life. I hate it. I officially hate him and I don’t care at this moment whether that’s the right thing or not. I fucking hate him. I hate him for hurting me, for lying to me, for belittling me. I hate him for all of it. Most of all, I hate him for fucking hurting her. And for that hurt being the one thing that made me break into little pieces of despair and allow him back into her life.
What the hell kind of mother am I? What the hell was I thinking? And why is it so goddamned confusing? Why does it hurt like someone is stabbing me over and over in the heart? I just want to see her happy and whole.
On top of it all, the man I love is livid with me. He’s angry and I don’t know if he has a right to be or not. Am I just stupid? Selfish? Weak?
One thing I know is I’m lost in it all and I have no idea what the right path is. Which also isn’t fair.
Unfortunately, I’ve created this path and I guess I just have to walk it and see where it leads. If there is a divine essence or presence, please protect her from my foolishness and weakness. Please help her to understand what even I can’t seem to understand myself. Please give me strength to carry on because right now I feel so weak, lost, and alone I can’t stand it. It really just hurts. And that’s not fair either.