Two days ago I heard that you committed suicide and a piece of my soul is forever wounded. There is a hole that can never be filled. Do you have any idea how incredible you are? Do you know how amazing and special your little spark of madness truly is?
I am not mad at you. Some people are. They say suicide is selfish and cowardly. They don’t know what they are talking about. You and I both know that suicide is when you feel there is no more strength left. It’s when you need others to step forward and share their strength for a while. Breathing hurts. Thinking hurts. Dear heavens, feeling hurts. And all you want is the pain to stop. For the despair, like a toxic black cloud inside and out, to go away. The darkness is suffocating and yet it promises relief from the pain. I understand the allure, all too well. I have fought the same battle for 20 years myself.
I was fortunate. An amazing man, a cop, stepped into my life for a brief moment and gave me his strength. He made me promise him that no matter how bad things got, that I would never end my own life. For 20 years I have kept my promise.
That’s not to say it wasn’t close once or twice. That’s not to say there weren’t moments when I forgot my promise. At one point I held a 9mm gun in my hand, loaded and ready, and just shook from head to toe for over an hour. I wanted to end it all so desperately. I had been drugged and raped for the second time in my life. I had lived 21 years of misery and tragedy that seemed like it would never end. And yet, in that darkest of dark hours, I heard his words.
“You are strong enough to get through anything. You have gotten through dark times. Promise me you will never end your own life.” I wept and stared at that gun, longing for the end. I cursed him for that vow. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter. But that one person was the only one that did matter. He saved my life time and time again.
I wish I could have been part of your life. I would have held your hand. I would have hugged you. I would have tried to make sure you weren’t alone when you were hurting. I would have made you promise me not to end your own life. I would have told you how strong you are. I would have been strong for you when you needed it most. I would have made you feel loved.
Ironically, when I am at my lowest I turn to movies to make me laugh. More often than not I turn to children’s movies. Aladdin has been my favorite for many years because of its happy songs and the crazy antics of Genie. But life doesn’t always have a happy ending, does it? You knew that all too well.
If there is an after life, I hope you are filled with peace and the love of a world that owes you more than it can ever repay. If there is reincarnation, I hope you return as something beautiful and happy that won’t be destroyed by the world. In either case, I hope you can feel the outpouring of love and shared grief throughout the world. I hope the emptiness and pain is gone.
This is my third post since your death, the third day of helpless tears, and I still haven’t been able to find the right words. We loved you so much but as the saying goes, you never know how much you love something until it’s gone. I never told you – the distance between us seemed too big. It seemed like we were worlds apart. I had no idea how close our worlds really were. I am sorry for not reaching out sooner, for not telling you how much you impacted me.
Your body might be gone but your spirit will live forever. I may never find the words to say thank you for all the gifts you gave.
We love you and oh God, how we miss you.