At 34, almost 35 years old, I thought I understood sex and sexuality.
I was wrong.
It’s taken almost six months and one incredible partner, for me to finally unlock my own sexuality as a woman. It took courage, understanding and a willingness to be vulnerable. In the end it was all worth it. Now I am going to share some of what I learned with you, in a series of blog posts, designed to help you move from novice to your own sexuality expert, as a Mistress of Pleasure.
Why? Because it was shared with me by a very loving, special partner. Because every woman deserves to feel as sexually alive as she is capable of being. Because it’s that important and there just isn’t enough of the right kind of information of there. Real information, not porn or whatever. And because having a fulfilling, happy sex life is one of the most incredible, priceless gifts in the world. I was blessed to receive it and now I am going to share that knowledge.
Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor do I have any fancy degrees. I am just one woman trying to help other women by sharing what she knows. Your experiences may vary and all my tips which include a partner, intend for you to have an open-minded, loving partner, interested (dedicated or obsessive are good too) in satisfying you sexually. All that being said, I am proud to be a poly-orgasmic (meaning I can have orgasms vaginally, clitorally, and anally all at the same time with the right stimulation), multi-orgasmic (can have many orgasms in each sexual session), screaming (orgasms so powerful and pleasurable I scream or shriek in orgasm) woman. I am not a squirter (to be discussed later) nor do I expect to be. Some women, for a wide variety of reasons, may be unable to achieve high levels of sexuality. These tips should, at the very least, help her improve her sexual satisfaction.
Sexuality Tip #1: Learn Your Body
This sounds easy but it’s not. I have been masturbating since I was about 8. I had my first sexual encounter (although I didn’t know it at the time) shortly thereafter with my best friend. Since then it’s been almost 25 years of experimenting and exploration. Hopefully this tip will shorten your exploration.
First, realize that masturbation and self pleasure are not wrong. They are not a sin any more than breathing. Humans are sexual creatures through and through. Why else would we be one of a handful of animals who have sex for pleasure, not just reproduction? (Took me over ten years to discover that on my own). Tell yourself that self pleasure does no harm. Keep telling yourself that until the guilt disappears.
As a society we are very messed up sexually in the US. Religion, social expectations and our own upbringing create barriers to our sexuality. Time to toss those aside ladies. You are the Mistress of Pleasure now – you are in control and in command.
If you are having trouble getting started, begin by laying on your bed naked, eyes closed. Then gently just touch your skin wherever feels right to you. Relish in the softness, the silky smoothness. Let your hands explore at will, allow your instincts to take over. Work your way down between your thighs and explore gently with your fingertips.
At the top you will find a small wedge of flesh, that is your clitoris (clit) and is a very sensitive area. Rub it in a circular motion gently at first, then increase pressure and speed as it feels right to do so. Just relax and enjoy it.
Here’s the thing: We each know how to bring ourselves pleasure instinctively, if we are just open to it. How else would I have learned it by age 8? So this part may take time and you may not have an orgasm initially. That’s okay!
If you try that for a while and are still having trouble, a toy can always help. I started experimenting with vibrators in my 20’s. My first one was very simple and cheap, mainly used for clitoral stimulation. If you are interested in purchasing something like that as a new beginner, I recommend this product: Doc Johnson Velvet Touch Vibe 7″, Lavender“
For under $20, this is as non-threatening and easy as it gets. Simply turn it on, lay it against your clitoris and enjoy! It’s great for beginners and I enjoyed a similar one for several months. Now of course, at that price point, it won’t last longer than 1-6 months depending on frequency and length of usage.
My first orgasm with a vibrator took less than five minutes. As time goes on, your clit will become less sensitive. Generally usage over 20 minutes will cause the vibrator to get hot, causing parts to start to break inside. Don’t worry, if you get to that point, it simply means it’s time to step up to the next level.
Once you have mastered the basics of self-pleasure, and then a basic vibrator, you will be ready for Sexuality 102 (coming soon).
Have questions? Comments? Concerns? Lay ’em on me (ha ha – get it…?), I am happy to help. I also appreciate your feedback as to whether this post helped you or not. Blogging about this is very new to me, so any feedback is welcome. Stay tuned for Sexuality 102, coming next week.