Afraid of Marriage

My fiancé has been talking lately about our wedding and for some reason it has just made me really weird. I get nervous and discombobulated. It started innocently enough, with him mentioning possibly getting married this summer. Everything seems so wonderful as is, I am loathe to change it. I tell myself that being married would only make our relationship deepen, that it’s a level of commitment that we both deserve but in the back of my head is the thought, what if he changes? What if HE becomes the monster under the bed?

Logically I don’t think that will be the case but the reptilian part of me, the instinctive part of me just wants to run and hide. The fear is very real and I don’t know how to deal with it. He has asked me hundreds of times if I would marry him and I know in my heart I want to but a part of me is still scared of it.

This divorce has really cost me a lot, mentally, emotionally and financially. I don’t know how to move past that. It isn’t marriage that’s the problem – it’s the people involved. People are what makes a marriage succeed or fail and I believe that my fiancé and I have what it takes. We are both people who have been deeply wounded and yet care a great deal for each other. We are the best of friends and there is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with. Even during all the crazy stuff we have had to deal with, he has stayed strong and steady. He is helping me to be a better person and to become the person I have always dreamed of being.

I know marriage is a leap of faith. You sign on the dotted line and promise to do your best, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. You will never really know until you try. And what an opportunity you will miss if you don’t try.

So I talked to our oldest daughter about doing an emotional wedding ceremony and dedicating ourselves to each other before doing a legal marriage. Kind of like a trial marriage to see if it will work.

I just spent the last few hours talking to my daughter and am exhausted so I’m going to bed and hopefully will have time to post more tomorrow. One topic I really want to write about is sexual abuse in Hollywood, especially as it relates to the Bill Cosby mess.

Til tomorrow,

The Rambler

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