Truth Versus Reality

Today I woke up and the first thing to hit me was Robin Williams is dead. How could a man I never actually met, be such a loss that I feel like I’ve actually lost one of my best friends? I want to cry but can’t because I’m angry. I’m angry that he’s gone and no one could help him. This man who gave so much of his talent, of himself, to others and no one could save him. Why? It seems to senseless. And as I start to write, this song by B.O.B. came on my iPod and seems strangely, ironically, perfect.

I want so much for it not to be true. This can’t be the truth. It can’t be reality. I want the Genie to grant my wish. I don’t need three, I just need one. I want Robin Williams to pop up with a silly red nose and say it’s just a joke, that he would never kill himself. That he truly believed all the times he said suicide was the wrong solution. I want him to show up, dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire and make everything better. He was larger than life on the screen, why couldn’t he slay those demons? I want this to be a really bad movie script that needs to be rewritten.

You are already so missed, less than 24 hours after the news broke. I wish you could have known in life how loved you are, by people around the world, by people you’ve never even met. My fiance and I are both shaken to our cores by this loss. He was a hero, an ideal to live up to. And now he’s gone. He should have died an old man, happy and content in his bed, feeling the love of friends and family all of his days. Why is it we kill off the best among us? What is it about fame that kills?

I can’t concentrate. I should be working but my mind is in this loop of sorrow and disbelief. I don’t want to believe it. It can’t be true but yet news story after news story shouts it from the headlines. He should have had another 20-30 years with us. Another 20-30 years to make an impact and change lives, even his own.

There have been a lot of deaths in the last couple years that have been truly tragic – Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Walker, James Gandolfini, Heath Ledger, Cory Monteith, Whitney Houston. Accidental deaths most of them, and all of them much too soon. But of them all, this one somehow hurts the most. No one made the world laugh like Robin Williams, with a sweet mixture of realism and genuine humor. He could make you laugh just with one line, a word, or a look. It was so effortless, he made it look easy.

I remember him in Flubber with that silly green blob. The only man I know who could make me laugh until I wanted to pee myself over a bouncing bit of silly jelly. And his heartbreaking portrayal in Patch – I tear up just thinking about it.

How do you grieve for a man you never truly knew? But yet it seems like we did know him, that every movie contained a small piece of his soul. And maybe that was it – he left so much of himself in his work, there was nothing left and he just couldn’t take the emptiness anymore.

Good God, this is a wound that won’t heal for a very long time. I keep thinking if I watch enough of him, he’ll somehow come back to life. The only thing we can do is try to keep alive the little sparks of madness he left behind. We will always love you Robin, even if we never had a chance to truly know you.