New Project – Married to a Narcissist

If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it. ~Toni Morrison

Ok, so here’s where I share some really great news that happened as a result of today’s blogging. I’ve decided to write a new book, a memoir of sorts and have titled it “Married to a Narcissist: My Struggles with Abuse, Homelessness and PTSD”. I’ve finally decided it’s time to share my story, it’s time to embrace my empowerment and share my struggles so others might find hope and answers. It will also be a cathartic work for me to let go of so much of my past, a chance for me to tear down the house I’ve built, and create a solid foundation to move forward.

I invite you, dear reader, to join me on this journey as I open myself up and share what I’ve learned and what I’m still learning. I’m writing this for all the innocent victims out there in the world. I am going to share my truth and stand up for the other victims in the world. This is a book that’s been hidden within me for over twenty years and I finally feel ready to write it.

The best part is that the book is not intended to be for profit. I will donate the book to local domestic violence programs, counselors and whoever else will use it to help other victims. I will share it on my blog through previews and short excerpts. My hope is the story will serve to help other victims feel less alone and find their power within themselves. To reach deeper and find the well of strength within each of us.

I will create a website that will accept donations and book purchases to be used to offset the costs of producing the book. Any profits will be donated to programs to help victims of abuse. This is a book for women to share with their sisters, friends, mothers, and women regardless of their life circumstances. It’s a book about hope, perseverance, and overcoming the shackles of abuse.

It is only when you open your veins and bleed onto the page a little that you establish contact with your reader. ~ Paul Gallico, Confessions of a Story Writer

It will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I will ever write. It will likely take me years to write but the best ideas start from a simple thought. The best plants can grow from a single seed. It will be me opening my veins and bleeding for my reader. Because that truth will set me free.

I have the most amazing support network – better than I ever could have imagined. I have a man who loves me in ways I never imagined, who is helping me to see my true capacity and is encouraging me to embrace it, to realize it and fulfill who I’m meant to be. I’m primed to finally do this. My hope is to send tiny ripples out into the world, to help others to find the way to find themselves. Together, we can overcome and be better, not just as individuals, but as a species. Together, we can overcome anything.

I almost lost everything about me. I almost gave up my will to live. Standing at the brink of that abyss was the most terrifying experience of my life. If I can save even one person from stepping off that brink, then my life’s work will be complete. If I can save more than one, then I am blessed beyond measure.

Yours,

The Rambler

I Hope You Dance

This weekend, my boyfriend and I escaped for a lovely day and night away from home into Temple, TX. We’re looking to possibly move there one day so we decided to visit. It’s a quaint little town, not quite what I expected. Not so small that everyone knows your business but not so big that people won’t know you after a while. I’ve missed a few posts this weekend, but for good reason. So today’s prompt that I chose is this:

Tell us about a time you made a false assumption about a person or a place — how did they prove you wrong?

That one is pretty easy – my boyfriend is a walking, talking contradiction to what one would assume about him. Even knowing him for almost five years, I never expected to find such a soft-hearted, gentle, romantic, intelligent person. He was a member of my family for four years before my husband and I ended our relationship but I never even knew him. He too was married at the time and happily, so it seemed. Only to find out he was in an abusive relationship himself.

My boyfriend is 6 foot 2 inches tall, 288 pounds, and bald. And he is quite possibly the most attractive man on earth to me, despite his struggle with weight and the fact that he isn’t even close to my “type”, which is usually tall, dark-haired, and skinny. He exudes charisma and confidence. The very first time he touched me I knew instinctively, to be wary of him. He and I were both in different relationships but the attraction for me was unmistakable and strong. I spent the last four years hiding from it. Then, when our relationships ended, we gravitated to each other. The relationship that has developed has been the most natural and amazing experience I’ve ever had.

The first time he kissed me rocked me to my core. By far the most incredible kiss I’ve ever experienced. Kissing him is like being set free. Our first date, as we were getting ready to leave, he stopped me and just began to slow dance with me. I still don’t fully understand why he feels the need to do this but it’s quite literally the most romantic thing I’ve ever experienced. A part of me is mortified but another part of me is simply riveted to him. And it’s amazing the smiles we get from other people when we leave. It’s like they’re delighted to see our joy with each other, as if it’s made them happier too.

So while I think again and again, about the contrasts between the man I thought I knew and the one I truly know now, the one thing I know for sure is this is the man for me. And I’m so glad I was willing to see beyond my assumptions and give him a chance.

I’ll leave you with this beautiful, inspiring song from Lee Ann Womack

Memories

It’s a lazy Sunday, the kids are off playing outside and I can’t seem to stop frickin’ blogging! It’s like someone opened a fire hydrant and all these thoughts keep bursting out of my fingers. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m reading other people’s blogs too.

For example, I visited my newest follower, A Worried Student, and found a post talking about memories from childhood. Well, how could I possibly resist such a delicious and perfect topic? Never one to pass up a good opportunity, here I am.

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Returning to My Roots

Hello Blog, my old friend. It’s been far too long. How long has it been since I created a personal blog for therapeutic purposes? I think the last one was 2005, which would make it about 10 years. I stopped blogging because frankly it started to feel narcissistic and I got tired of talking about myself. Now, I find myself needing it again. There’s some really dark shit inside of me and I need a place to put it, a place to release it. An anonymous place, where I can be free to say what I want – good, bad or indifferent without there being consequences. I also need a place where I can write and get that mental exercise in. I’m a writer, I need to be writing but I need a clean place in my mind to write from.

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